WHY THE POPE IS IN NEW YORK, FOR REAL

The true purpose of Pope Francis’ visit to New York was revealed this morning, when the Popemobile was spotted double-parked on the corner of 67th Street and Broadway.

According to Salvatore Gugino, a Vatican spokesman, Pope Francis was determined to be among the first to acquire an iPhone 6s. An early adopter of causes such as climate control and compassion for the needy, “His Holiness is also a bit of a technophile,” said Gugino.

The Pope was among hundreds lined up outside Apple’s Upper West Side store. Many of those waiting had camped out since Thursday afternoon, but in a communal gesture of good will, they let the Bishop of Rome cut the line.

Gary Pawlecki of East Orange, who started the line on September 9th said of the pontiff’s appearance, “He was very cool, just hanging out, had his little tailgate chair and a beverage. He was totally prepared to wait it out if necessary.”

The store opened at 8am precisely, and the Pope had his new iPhone and was out the door by 8:09. “I wanted to speak to a Genius about my laptop’s trackpad,” the Holy Father told reporters on his way out. “It’s getting a little glitchy. But they didn’t have an opening until 3. I can’t wait that long.”

As the Popemobile pulled away, His Holiness was overheard speaking to a member of his entourage while he played with his new device. Borrowing a line that he likely picked up on the West Side Highway, the Holy Father said: “I like my hats, but I love my iPhone. In the name of Christ, this is sick.”